I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I will be naked everywhere
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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