Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
