your parents love me but you hate me
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
