oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
