The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
My vagina is officially offended.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
