Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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