I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
