I think i peed on brittanys purse
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Randomize
