You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
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