My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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