Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Princesses don't give blow jobs
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
