I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
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