Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
