Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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