There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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