Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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