So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Randomize
