Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
