Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I think a kid would responsible me up
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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