glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
