i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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