just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
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