Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
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i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
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this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
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