my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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