Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
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He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
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At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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