Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
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I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
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I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you