he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Randomize
