that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
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