My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Randomize
