I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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