I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
