If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Randomize
