I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
