my mouth tastes like poor choices
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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