Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
