I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
