I want to have your abortion
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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