I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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