i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
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