Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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