Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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