New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
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