I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
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