I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
