You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
