I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
