I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
