oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Two words: blizzard sex
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Randomize
