i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
