i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
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