i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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