My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Randomize
